go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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