I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
