i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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