I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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