Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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