I skipped work to stalk him.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
