she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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