Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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