so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize