My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
