Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
