Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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