I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
