My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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