at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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