Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
