i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
