Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
