I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
