Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize