i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
