you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
