if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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