last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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