Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
