I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
