I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
