i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
