Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
