Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
