i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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