I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
