Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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