he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
