I wanna bring you to show and tell
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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