I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
