Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
