he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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