it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
