i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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