I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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