so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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