Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
