Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I met the friendliest cop last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
