If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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