Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I did not marry a roomba.
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