Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
