what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
