i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
