My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
