my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
