I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize