She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
