Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you will always have a special place in my vag
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
