1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
